I said meditate, not medicate.

Lets talk meditation.

Buddhist meditation (1)

That word makes me roll my eyes and fake gag.  I mean that stuff just isn’t for me.  When I went to hypno-birthing classes for my son the midwives had us write down our most relaxing special places.  It was almost too much for me.

But I persevered.

And now I use it.  Ah! Crazy hippy mediation got me!

Do I sit down in some crazy leg tangle?  Close my eyes and say om?  No.  But I use the most important pieces of that story when things get ruff or off track enough to need to refocus.  Like when I’m at work and one of my students looses it or when my kids are throwing huge fits in time out or when running just doesn’t feel good or when my husband calls and says he busted open his knee biking and needs to get stitches.  Or the more common children playing and then screaming while I am trying to get 5 more minutes of sleep.

My midwife told me to describe a place using all your senses.  How it smells, tastes, sounds, etc.  And it really helps.  It also helps that I get to go to that place and have those feelings and senses refreshed.

Cool water splashing up around my toes and ankles.  Wet send squishing up between my toes.  The feeling of the breeze blowing through my hair and the sun warming my cheeks. The smell of salt water in the air and the taste of salt water on my lips.

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And that view.  For miles and miles.

It sounds silly but that has helped get me through some ruff times.  It may help you to find a special relaxing place for you to go to in your mind.  You never know when you may need it.

If you need to close your eyes and say om I won’t judge you, too much.

Is my strong, strong enough?

Holy shit people!  What a week.

I am just home from a long vacation in which I did a million amazing, relaxing, and joyful things and now that seems like so long ago.  I would sleep in and drink delicious coffee in the morning, that was made for me I might add.  Have drinks with adults and talk about things besides the next object my kids want to blow up.  Ahh, you only know how good you have it when its gone.

20170706_170012I mean there have been amazing moments.  But raising kids and building a house are two of the most exhausting things to me. I’m sure someone is out there doing it much more gracefully then we are but whatever.  I can only be who I am and the best version of myself is not that person.  Its even harder when I just want to run and hang out/catch up with my friends and their kids.

This is my first full week back and I put the kids in camp so I could help Eddie and spend some time with him while we work on the house.  So that has been really nice, but it hasn’t been all smiles because I have a learning curve when I am coming up to help out and I know that he is frustrated, I mean I am frustrated with myself. Plus 100 degree temps and my children begin children.

The finish line is in sight but its on one of the false flats that are just really grueling.  But I know we can make it, because we have come this far.  I just need to get my game face on, keep my head down and grit through it.  I have done some amazing things in my life and this will be another one when it is all said and done.  Anyway I like the quote I found.  I think it brings a lot of life into perspective, things are hard but good stuff is just up ahead.

Stay focused, eye on the prize.  We can all do this. (Make it till happy hour that is).

 

 

Live like its shark week!

On the way home from vacation United was showing Shark week and luckily it was free though silent because I forgot my headphones.  It struck me how majestic sharks are.  They swim so gracefully through the water, I mean all fish are graceful when they swim, I get that, but seeing them together playing and hanging out just made me think.  I wish I was a shark.  What?  That’s absurd.  But then again…

I mean what makes a shark who they are? So I created a short list of things we can all do to live like sharks, hunting has been left off.

  1. Defend yourself. Take no prisoners.
  2. Go out and take what you want.  Make it happen.
  3. Be wild and free.

What is holding you back from being happy?  What is holding you back from being your best?

No one is perfect.  We are all a work in progress.  But I think a little positive role modeling can be powerful stuff.  So I will be a role model, because we all are, its time, lets step up to the plate.

Like I said in a previous blog post. There is no joy in waiting to be happy.

Sometimes I get mired down in the what could have been.  Not that I don’t love my life but you know clearly I could have been a writer, a professional ultra runner, a baker, a blah-blah-blah.  But my life is bigger then any of those because it’s little pieces of all of them.  I want to celebrate that I am all of those plus a mom, wife, teacher, friend, feminist, and a bunch of other things too.

I am going to do a better job defending myself from myself.  Doubt beware you are not welcome here. I am going to go after what is important to me, because I have nothing to lose, only gain, and to much pride is a dangerous thing.  I am going to be fun and funny, run dirty and smelly, and put my phone down and go on more impromptu bike rides to snow cone huts with my kids.  I’m going to live like its shark week or at least it’s my shark week, and month, and life.

I’m going to kill it.

Facebook: friend or foe

In the past week Facebook has sent me several photo memories.  They made me so happy to see.  They were good memories of fun times with friends and family.  I wanted to publish all of them because they are such an awesome collection of memories, but I don’t want to be one of those people of FB who are constantly sharing, and publishing, and liking everything.  They are so annoying.  That’s not me.

Life is not all about me.

It also got me thinking of the reason I left FB several years ago.  All you see are the best of people who have amazing adventurous lives and are the worlds best parents.  Lets be honest that certainly is not my life, I mean there are moments for sure, but all the time, not so much.  So all the other people are either in the same boat as I am OR they are  totally amazing people who make me gag.  And I know they aren’t all awesome and amazing so we must be sharing the boat.

So, is it good or bad to show only positive moment?

My life is a collections of wonderful happy memories but it is also a lot else, but I don’t share that in pictures, “just” words, and most people are more interested these days in pictures.  Should I share things that aren’t always beautiful but are me, with no filters.  The other day I took a picture of myself after running in the humidity of the South and sent it to only the lucky few.

Who wants to see that?  The answer is no one.  Thats gross, not beautiful.  But I did send it to friends because I thought it was humorous.

Humor is one of those things that is the absolutely most beautiful things to me.  My husband is super cute, but when I think back to the night we met and some of my favorite times it is because he made me laugh.

In my eyes, humor goes a long way.  It obviously makes you funny, but also it makes you real.  You joke about things that are really happening, not all the fluffy shinny pretty moments.  The times that are real and that you need to laugh through.  Like being super disgusting on a run or when your kids have tantrums or when you have to do a million things as a mother but unfortunately you also have to go to the bathroom.  Humor is the best of thing.

In the end, I think I will post a picture or two that is funny and not always pretty.  Because that is who I am.  And I’m a winner, people like me.  LOL (literally)!

Here I am.

No filter, gross, smelly, and dirty.  Because life is real and not always FB pretty, but hard and funny for sure.

New goal: Don’t take myself so seriously

#beachtherapy

School is out and the kids and I are getting a little rest and relaxation time in.  It has been great to spend time with family and play in the sun.  The summer is a truly rejuvenating time for me and I want to drink in every last drop.

I was putzing around my parents house and I stumbled upon a picture of myself in my twenties or teens, who knows.  And I thought, oh wow, I look great.  But I know I didn’t think that at the time.  Like I didn’t think that, AT ALL, at the time.  In my head with all kinds of crazy.  Women should look like, women act like, women are skinny, women are toned, women look amazing and eat next to nothing, blah blah blah.

Let that shit go!

So it got me thinking.  Am I going to see a picture of myself from today in 15 years and think the same thing?  A wave of exhaustion rushed over me.

No.  Enough is enough.

I don’t want to wait to feel happy, I just want to be happy.  There is no pleasure in waiting to feel confident and happy about who you are.  Feel happy now.

Go!

I know.  Easier said then done, but it does sound great and for that reason I think I will try.

I want to live my life in the present as much as possible but I think I will view my body from 10 years or so into the future.  Because this 47 year old self thinks that my 37 year old self looks great and its the truth!

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#Beachtherapy

 

 

Dear Summer,

 

20160801_105534(Sigh)

Tomorrow is the last day of school.  I made it.

This has been a hard year, but I made it through and am not looking too much worse for the wear, or at least people are nice enough to not say anything.  Anyway, I am looking forward to many days of your sunshine and day drinks.  A week or so ago it had been raining and the sun came out and like a kid I looked up at the sky and smiled as it warmed me all over and I felt refreshed and excited for what lay ahead.

This summer I would like to do the following (in no particular order except for number 1).

  1. Turn off my alarm
  2. Wear flip flops more
  3. Drink on porches
  4. Lay down in the grass and stretch out
  5. Get sand in between my toes
  6. Run on the sand, mountains, and any other non road surface
  7. Play in the water
  8. Day drink with little umbrella’s in each glass
  9. Hang out with my family
  10. Enjoy being a mom, that is not bound by a crazy schedule
  11. Help build our cabin
  12. Just be

My many many wishes for everyone this summer include relaxing and enjoying the extra hours of daylight.  Sit outside more, but don’t forget the sunblock.  Eat lots of Popsicle and develop deep flip flop tans.  Please close your eyes and day dream just a little bit more and get outside and get dirty running on some trails.

I lift my drink to you my friend.  Enjoy!

My Life in Pictures

I see it, there it is!

After re reading some of my other posts, I realized that most of my positive productive feelings happen after the fact, days or even weeks.  I don’t know about you but I wish I could feel them sooner.  Life has been hectic but, I realized that the finish line was just up ahead.  I could breath easy.

But then I thought wait.  The majority of that feeling is coming from the last day of the school year.  Does that cheapen it?

Decidedly No.  The finish line is the finish line, enjoy it.

I was doing a “fun” run the other day that was horribly, miserably, not fun at all.  It was suppose to be a relaxed outing where I would meet new people who enjoyed trail running, but then I realized, oh wait these are all elite athletes.  I mean look they are already at the top of that hill.  That isn’t normal, I mean they are running up a hill.  Who does that?  After getting to the top, I was in such a bad mood I couldn’t even enjoy the view.  It took me another couple of miles for me to really come out of my funk.  Then it came to me.  Relax, enjoy this, run your own race.  Which amazingly brought me some calm.  I mean don’t get me wrong I had to go up another hill and that calm was vaporized, but it came back, because I knew it was there.  Which is more then half the battle, (said the women who finished nearly last).

But the finish line was sweet, even after my 3.5 hour mental tantrum.  I came back and people were still there, and cheering me on.  I did a graceful leap at the bottom and asked, “Am I last? Is that a thing?”  Anyway, people laughed and told me to grab some food.  The person in charge of the free race was making eggs, pancakes, and bacon for everyone.

victory

And there I was again, running is the best thing ever.  These are my people.  Soda, pancakes, bacon.  I love this. This is awesome!

Ahh.  The finish line, which can seem so elusive.  But there it is, I can see it.

 

Hmmm, I wonder.

When I was younger I don’t think that I would have ever said that I would be an ultra runner.  My parents ran and I ran, but it was nothing serious.  Far from a passion, that I remember.

I don’t know the exact moment that I decided to do my first 50K it seems like a long time ago.  All I really remember is wanting to do another one.

But now after doing a couple ultras I find myself thinking.  100 miles?  I don’t know if I can, but I think I would like to try.  I mean I didn’t know if I could run 30 and I did.

Wasatch 100 dreaming It’s a lottery.  I probably won’t get it.  But I should apply.  I mean, what if.

Working to be the best version of myself, one day at a time.

There it was like a sign in the road. I like myself. Boo!

There it was like a sign in the road. I like myself. Boo!

Good morning and a happy belated mothers day to you!

Yesterday was Mothers day and since I don’t know anyone personally who reads my post, I would like to say happy mothers day to you!  Being a mother is quite possibly the hardest job EVER.  An I mean there is no way to know that before you become a mother.  It seems hard but lots of things seem hard.  But being responsible for another human or 2 or 3 or 4 is crazy.  Literally everything is on your shoulders for I don’t know 18 plus years and even after that they grow up and then just blame you for any flaws that they have.

My day was pretty ideal.

  1. Morning run (and my feet don’t hurt anymore!  thank you cortisone shot!)
  2. Brunch with the ladies!
  3. Hanging out at the bike park and watching my family roll around
  4. Pulled pork burritos
  5. A cocktail, and wait for it, another cocktail!

On my way home from brunch, I got to thinking.  I really like who I am.  It was just like that, a sign in the road, I didn’t know it was coming.  I also ran a red light at that time so you know, it was a pretty big sign.

I’ve been doing this trail race series and found out I was 5th place in my age group. What?  That blew my mind.  I’m awesome and wasn’t even trying.  I also haven’t been running lots of long miles and tried to do it the other day and was like, what?  I ran 30 miles?  Nice work self.

Life is pretty great when you get out of your head and enjoy what is around you.  I read a sign awhile ago that has stayed with me.  “Let that shit go!”

Maybe its just the amazing weather, I don’t know.  But life seems pretty good right now.

I know I was a pretty rotten teenager some times and gave my parents a run for their sanity.  But I came out on the other side of the proverbial fire okay and ready and willing to make it.

I owe a lot of who I am today to you Mom.  You did a great job.  I love you. Happy mothers day.  You are the best.

 

You got this! (that’s what the checker at Smiths said, so it must be true)

So Monday, May 1st is a good day.

May: month of triumph is not a myth, I’m making it a reality!  In the mail today I got a shirt that has “not today satan” written in large letters on the front.  One of my many new inner mantras.

I had a great run and therapy session on Sunday with a good friend.  I love running on the trails alone but its amazing what others can add and what clairity they can bring and sometimes that clairity is just talking and laughing with a friend so you feel human again and that someone has your back.

So, I have been thinking about doing a crazy diet off and on for awhile now and finally moved to the next step and talked to a dietitean.  I was hoping that speaking to her would be all I needed to do to get things in order and change my life.  Right, that sounds easy.

Backstory: I have had epilepsy for a long time, more then half my life now.  That’s crazy to say out loud (in a cyber universe).  Anyway, I found a crazy diet called the Modified Atkins Diet (MAD) that could potentally take me off my meds.  Which is a big deal to me.  I met with a dietitian to go over the ins and outs of what it meant and she said there is a note here about you doing marathons, tell me more about that.  I told her that I like to run far and she said that she didn’t think that would be sustainable on the MAD diet.  And I was like….

Well for some reason when she said that I kinda freaked out.  Not run ultras?  What?  That’s the only time I have to myself.  How will I make it as a Mom and NOT do that?  I have lofty ultra goals and now what?  But then haven’t I wanted to be med free forever?

So then I had to spend several days all up in my head trying to figure out who I am.

Well, problem not solved.  Not sure yet, but I’m sure its coming…I’m right on the verge of a major breakthrough.  Whatever, one step at a time.

Today was a good day and its going to be a great May.

Me 1.  Satan 0.