I said meditate, not medicate.

Lets talk meditation.

Buddhist meditation (1)

That word makes me roll my eyes and fake gag.  I mean that stuff just isn’t for me.  When I went to hypno-birthing classes for my son the midwives had us write down our most relaxing special places.  It was almost too much for me.

But I persevered.

And now I use it.  Ah! Crazy hippy mediation got me!

Do I sit down in some crazy leg tangle?  Close my eyes and say om?  No.  But I use the most important pieces of that story when things get ruff or off track enough to need to refocus.  Like when I’m at work and one of my students looses it or when my kids are throwing huge fits in time out or when running just doesn’t feel good or when my husband calls and says he busted open his knee biking and needs to get stitches.  Or the more common children playing and then screaming while I am trying to get 5 more minutes of sleep.

My midwife told me to describe a place using all your senses.  How it smells, tastes, sounds, etc.  And it really helps.  It also helps that I get to go to that place and have those feelings and senses refreshed.

Cool water splashing up around my toes and ankles.  Wet send squishing up between my toes.  The feeling of the breeze blowing through my hair and the sun warming my cheeks. The smell of salt water in the air and the taste of salt water on my lips.


And that view.  For miles and miles.

It sounds silly but that has helped get me through some ruff times.  It may help you to find a special relaxing place for you to go to in your mind.  You never know when you may need it.

If you need to close your eyes and say om I won’t judge you, too much.

Is my strong, strong enough?

Holy shit people!  What a week.

I am just home from a long vacation in which I did a million amazing, relaxing, and joyful things and now that seems like so long ago.  I would sleep in and drink delicious coffee in the morning, that was made for me I might add.  Have drinks with adults and talk about things besides the next object my kids want to blow up.  Ahh, you only know how good you have it when its gone.

20170706_170012I mean there have been amazing moments.  But raising kids and building a house are two of the most exhausting things to me. I’m sure someone is out there doing it much more gracefully then we are but whatever.  I can only be who I am and the best version of myself is not that person.  Its even harder when I just want to run and hang out/catch up with my friends and their kids.

This is my first full week back and I put the kids in camp so I could help Eddie and spend some time with him while we work on the house.  So that has been really nice, but it hasn’t been all smiles because I have a learning curve when I am coming up to help out and I know that he is frustrated, I mean I am frustrated with myself. Plus 100 degree temps and my children begin children.

The finish line is in sight but its on one of the false flats that are just really grueling.  But I know we can make it, because we have come this far.  I just need to get my game face on, keep my head down and grit through it.  I have done some amazing things in my life and this will be another one when it is all said and done.  Anyway I like the quote I found.  I think it brings a lot of life into perspective, things are hard but good stuff is just up ahead.

Stay focused, eye on the prize.  We can all do this. (Make it till happy hour that is).



Live like its shark week!

On the way home from vacation United was showing Shark week and luckily it was free though silent because I forgot my headphones.  It struck me how majestic sharks are.  They swim so gracefully through the water, I mean all fish are graceful when they swim, I get that, but seeing them together playing and hanging out just made me think.  I wish I was a shark.  What?  That’s absurd.  But then again…

I mean what makes a shark who they are? So I created a short list of things we can all do to live like sharks, hunting has been left off.

  1. Defend yourself. Take no prisoners.
  2. Go out and take what you want.  Make it happen.
  3. Be wild and free.

What is holding you back from being happy?  What is holding you back from being your best?

No one is perfect.  We are all a work in progress.  But I think a little positive role modeling can be powerful stuff.  So I will be a role model, because we all are, its time, lets step up to the plate.

Like I said in a previous blog post. There is no joy in waiting to be happy.

Sometimes I get mired down in the what could have been.  Not that I don’t love my life but you know clearly I could have been a writer, a professional ultra runner, a baker, a blah-blah-blah.  But my life is bigger then any of those because it’s little pieces of all of them.  I want to celebrate that I am all of those plus a mom, wife, teacher, friend, feminist, and a bunch of other things too.

I am going to do a better job defending myself from myself.  Doubt beware you are not welcome here. I am going to go after what is important to me, because I have nothing to lose, only gain, and to much pride is a dangerous thing.  I am going to be fun and funny, run dirty and smelly, and put my phone down and go on more impromptu bike rides to snow cone huts with my kids.  I’m going to live like its shark week or at least it’s my shark week, and month, and life.

I’m going to kill it.

Facebook: friend or foe

In the past week Facebook has sent me several photo memories.  They made me so happy to see.  They were good memories of fun times with friends and family.  I wanted to publish all of them because they are such an awesome collection of memories, but I don’t want to be one of those people of FB who are constantly sharing, and publishing, and liking everything.  They are so annoying.  That’s not me.

Life is not all about me.

It also got me thinking of the reason I left FB several years ago.  All you see are the best of people who have amazing adventurous lives and are the worlds best parents.  Lets be honest that certainly is not my life, I mean there are moments for sure, but all the time, not so much.  So all the other people are either in the same boat as I am OR they are  totally amazing people who make me gag.  And I know they aren’t all awesome and amazing so we must be sharing the boat.

So, is it good or bad to show only positive moment?

My life is a collections of wonderful happy memories but it is also a lot else, but I don’t share that in pictures, “just” words, and most people are more interested these days in pictures.  Should I share things that aren’t always beautiful but are me, with no filters.  The other day I took a picture of myself after running in the humidity of the South and sent it to only the lucky few.

Who wants to see that?  The answer is no one.  Thats gross, not beautiful.  But I did send it to friends because I thought it was humorous.

Humor is one of those things that is the absolutely most beautiful things to me.  My husband is super cute, but when I think back to the night we met and some of my favorite times it is because he made me laugh.

In my eyes, humor goes a long way.  It obviously makes you funny, but also it makes you real.  You joke about things that are really happening, not all the fluffy shinny pretty moments.  The times that are real and that you need to laugh through.  Like being super disgusting on a run or when your kids have tantrums or when you have to do a million things as a mother but unfortunately you also have to go to the bathroom.  Humor is the best of thing.

In the end, I think I will post a picture or two that is funny and not always pretty.  Because that is who I am.  And I’m a winner, people like me.  LOL (literally)!

Here I am.

No filter, gross, smelly, and dirty.  Because life is real and not always FB pretty, but hard and funny for sure.

New goal: Don’t take myself so seriously


School is out and the kids and I are getting a little rest and relaxation time in.  It has been great to spend time with family and play in the sun.  The summer is a truly rejuvenating time for me and I want to drink in every last drop.

I was putzing around my parents house and I stumbled upon a picture of myself in my twenties or teens, who knows.  And I thought, oh wow, I look great.  But I know I didn’t think that at the time.  Like I didn’t think that, AT ALL, at the time.  In my head with all kinds of crazy.  Women should look like, women act like, women are skinny, women are toned, women look amazing and eat next to nothing, blah blah blah.

Let that shit go!

So it got me thinking.  Am I going to see a picture of myself from today in 15 years and think the same thing?  A wave of exhaustion rushed over me.

No.  Enough is enough.

I don’t want to wait to feel happy, I just want to be happy.  There is no pleasure in waiting to feel confident and happy about who you are.  Feel happy now.


I know.  Easier said then done, but it does sound great and for that reason I think I will try.

I want to live my life in the present as much as possible but I think I will view my body from 10 years or so into the future.  Because this 47 year old self thinks that my 37 year old self looks great and its the truth!





I see it, there it is!

After re reading some of my other posts, I realized that most of my positive productive feelings happen after the fact, days or even weeks.  I don’t know about you but I wish I could feel them sooner.  Life has been hectic but, I realized that the finish line was just up ahead.  I could breath easy.

But then I thought wait.  The majority of that feeling is coming from the last day of the school year.  Does that cheapen it?

Decidedly No.  The finish line is the finish line, enjoy it.

I was doing a “fun” run the other day that was horribly, miserably, not fun at all.  It was suppose to be a relaxed outing where I would meet new people who enjoyed trail running, but then I realized, oh wait these are all elite athletes.  I mean look they are already at the top of that hill.  That isn’t normal, I mean they are running up a hill.  Who does that?  After getting to the top, I was in such a bad mood I couldn’t even enjoy the view.  It took me another couple of miles for me to really come out of my funk.  Then it came to me.  Relax, enjoy this, run your own race.  Which amazingly brought me some calm.  I mean don’t get me wrong I had to go up another hill and that calm was vaporized, but it came back, because I knew it was there.  Which is more then half the battle, (said the women who finished nearly last).

But the finish line was sweet, even after my 3.5 hour mental tantrum.  I came back and people were still there, and cheering me on.  I did a graceful leap at the bottom and asked, “Am I last? Is that a thing?”  Anyway, people laughed and told me to grab some food.  The person in charge of the free race was making eggs, pancakes, and bacon for everyone.


And there I was again, running is the best thing ever.  These are my people.  Soda, pancakes, bacon.  I love this. This is awesome!

Ahh.  The finish line, which can seem so elusive.  But there it is, I can see it.


May: Month of Triumph!

Oh my gosh!  April has literally been the hardest month of my remembered life.  Juniper in the hospital, Everett sick with an ear infection, my foot hurt, complications with the cabin, Eddie sick, me sick, blah blah blah.  Not doing much for my steps toward being the best version of myself.  I have literally been just surviving.  Going to bed at 8:30, drinking lots of soda, not doing much in the line of self care or love. OMG! We all have moments like this in our life, but they are brutal.  A good friend once told me when I was knee deep in self doubt and physical pain (an ultra) that this is tough, but I can do tough stuff.

I got this.

May is right around the corner, there it is on my calendar, just days away…I have decided May will be my month of triumph!  I will put into action all the things that have been bouncing around in my head.  I can’t wait.

Please please please May, show up early.

Motivation in pictures

2017 New Years Resolutions

Oh my goodness, I don’t know how I got into resolutions but I LOVE THEM!  I feel like after New Years is one of the saddest times of the year.  There has been months of parties and cheer and then, nothing.  It kills me every year and I think resolutions help me stay focused and positive going into the new year.  One of my friends said that if you write down a goal you are 30% more likely to follow through with it and achieve success.  That sounds good to me.  It could be less, it could be more, but 30% will work for me too.  I’m also a special education teacher so writing goals is kind of my thing.

I like to have some that are easy and other that are hard so even when I am struggling with a few goals, I’m still doing really well with others.

Anyway, I know the suspense is killing you.

Resolutions for 2017:

  1. Stop and hug and kiss my husband
  2. Tushar marathon
  3. Stick to the budget
  4. Save $50 a month for a trip to Bora Bora
  5. Phone off 5-7
  6. 2 Sodas a week
  7. House: simple. clean. uncluttered.
  8. Put it away – stay organized
  9. Put some effort in: concealer, blush, mascara
  10. Attempt mountaineering
  11. Look a little more put together
  12. Pack good lunches
  13. Meet new people
  14. Do you want that cookie? Have some yummy water first.

Big list you say?  Well come on now, why just have three goals for 365 days, I mean dream big people.

So here is my reasoning:

  1. I know, hug and kiss your husband.  My initial thought when writing this was that I was totally lame and not a good wife.  But life is just so busy.  I don’t stop to enjoy the small things because I am packing lunches (a surprisingly annoying thing to do) or doing the laundry, cleaning the house, working full time, and wrangling 2 kids.  I wanted to stop and focus on something else I love but had been ignoring, not on purpose, but because life got in the way.
  2. Tushar Marathon.  Last year I completed 2 ultras.  The Bryce Canyon 50K and Dead Horse Point 50K and in a way it kind of changed my life.  I know silly.  But the ability to push through something that hard was shocking and inspiring.  I was actually inspiring myself.  The Tushar race looked amazing, and I wanted the opportunity to get out there and see such a beautiful place.  However, this is one goal I am not going to be able to complete.  My husband and I have taken on the monumental task of building our dream home, from the ground up, and there is no way I can get in the time to prep, so I will have to wait for another year.  Instead I have joined the Wasatch Trail Race Series on Wednesday nights and have loved just being active and doing what I love and meeting new people, which is kind of why I love to race, so it works out.
  3. Stick to the budget.  Ahh.  I hate this one but it has allowed us to do a lot of wonderful things, including building our dream home so I guess not being crazy at the grocery store has paid off…but sometimes those delicious $2 yogurts get me.  I’m a sucker.
  4. Save $50 a month for Bora Bora. I know at that rate I won’t be able to go for another 10 years, minimum.  But its baby steps and all that I can manage at this time.  So its gotta work.
  5. Phone off from 5 until the kid’s bedtime.  This one is hard.  I can’t do it unless I put my phone in another room.  How lame is that?  But there are just so many things to look at mindlessly.  But they really aren’t that important in the long run and I don’t want my kids to describe me as a mom who is constantly on the phone.  So those hours are just for them.  This resolution I have not been good at lately but I am renewing my dedication to it, because it is good for me and good for my family.
  6. 2 Sodas a week.  Okay this one is an all out fail and I have lots of great excuses for it. The list is: Life is just so busy, to keep up I need a Coke.  Raising kids is hard, to keep up I need a Coke.  Working full time is crazy, to keep up I need a Coke.  Building a dream home is insane, to keep up I need a Coke.  Sticking to a budget when I would rather buy clothes and other immediate happiness items is frustrating, to calm myself I drink an immediate happiness beverage, a Coke. The list goes on my friends.  I know soda isn’t good for you but one vise, or 5 isn’t going to kill me, and even if it does…I don’t know how to end that.  I don’t want to die, but sometimes I think I will if I don’t get a Coke!

Too much explaining is a bad thing.  I’ll just keep my head down and stay focused and do the best I can.


Coming your way.